Advent Calendar

This is our Advent Calendar...with a twist. I had one growing up, and I loved counting the days until Christmas. I did not want to make 5 separate calendars...so we made 1 big one. And rather than having candy attached to the calendar, we wrote out clues for each day for each child. So they will have a treasure for the day's candy or treat.

Christmas List

I don't usually do these...but here goes anyway...

1. Real tree or artificial? Real

2. When do you put up the tree? Last year we put it up after Thanksgiving....but this year we're waiting until 2 weekends before Christmas.

3. When do you take down the tree? Sometime between the day after Christmas and New Years...depends on how ready I am to have my living room back.

4.Wrapping paper or gift bags? Paper.

5. When do you start Christmas shopping? As soon as I have the money.

6. Who is the hardest person to buy for? Kaelyn

7. Easiest person to buy for? Noelle

8. Angel on top of the tree, or star? Star.

9. What is the worst Christmas gift you ever got? I don't remember a worst.

10. What is the best gift you received as a child? A dollhouse when I was 7.

11. What is your favorite food to eat at Christmas time? Turkey and sweet potatoes

12. What do you want for Christmas this year? Pajamas, a Message version of the Bible for my cell phone, and a diaper sprayer...lol

15 Years

Where does the time go?

Fifteen years ago I was at MRMC in Ocala, FL...hugely pregnant...and very disappointed that my contractions had petered out overnight. We were waiting on the doctor to come in and check me to send me home.

At 7:00 AM, 15 years ago, my water broke. I was standing next to the bed watching the TV...David was standing next to me...and I heard, more than felt, a huge splash. I couldn't see past my belly, but I told David I thought my water had just broken and he looked down and said, "I think you're right!" LOL He called the nurse and I headed to the bathroom. A friend had had a hard time delivering because she didn't empty her bladder, and I was determined that wouldn't happen to me.

As I was sitting on the toilet I had my first contraction...and I was PRAYING that I could just go down the toilet with the water it hurt so bad. When it was over I hobbled back to the bed and tried to lay on my stomach. Here comes another contraction...OUCH!!!! And there go my glasses...I threw them across the room!

The next 4 hours are kinda fuzzy. All I know is that those contractions hurt like nobody's business. I sent David on a wild goose chase to find an anesthesiologist so I could get an epidural. But it was the day after Thanksgiving...and there weren't any to be found...not as quick as *I* needed them, anyway. David would come in the room to tell me he couldn't find one...and I remember at one point grabbing him by the belt buckle and telling him to get in the car and drive til he found one! I'm pretty sure I sounded like the girl from The Exorcist at that point.

My father had driven us to the hospital and had sat in a chair quietly watching. One time when David left he came over and rubbed my arm and asked how I was doing. I very sweetly said I was just fine. David wasn't so lucky...he really got the evil twin treatment.

At some point they offered me Demerol and I accepted. They said it would take the edge off the pain. It may have affected someone else's pain...but it did nothing for mine. It allowed me to drift off to sleep in the 30 seconds between contractions. And there's nothing like being jolted awake by a labor contraction...let me tell you!

Finally the doctor said I was at 10 and asked if I wanted to push. Honestly...did he need to ask???? Three pushes later our first son, David Chandler Freed, was born. He was 7 lbs. 8 oz. and 20 in. long. He was beautiful (and still is). He looked very much like David's baby pictures. They cleaned him up and brought him to me, but I was too out of it from the Demerol to nurse him.

By the time I saw my beautiful boy again his eyes were brown. He took to nursing right away, which I was concerned about because I had had so much trouble with Kaelyn. He was so good that the nurses kept telling me not to let him nurse so long at a time or I would be HORRIBLY sore.

I only spent 24 hours in the hospital. I wanted to be home with my family. Chan-man (as Kaelyn called him) was an incredibly easy baby. By 10 weeks he was sleeping through the night...going to bed at 8...waking at 5 to nurse...then drifting back off to sleep until 8. He took wonderful naps and was a very happy baby.

Fifteen years later I am amazed at the young man Chandler has become. He is smart and talented and a joy to be around. I'm so very proud that he is my son!

Happy Birthday, Chandler! I love you!

Generosity

What part does gratitude play in generosity?

This is a thought that has been running through my mind for the last week or so. At this point I think gratitude is absolutely necessary for generosity. You can't give away what you don't have - or what you don't THINK you have. Gratitude is the acknowledgement that you are blessed - at least to some degree. Therefore, you do have something to give.

That being said, I don't think generosity is an automatic outflow of gratitude. For those of us who have been challenged with gratitude issues in the past, I think it's definitely part of the process. But expecting to "feel" generous immediately can be setting yourself up for disappointment.

Yesterday in church the pastor said something that has stuck with me. No matter how little, everyone has something. So now I am trying to envision how to give out of what I have. I have to be honest....I'm stuck here. At this point, even though I am working on gratitude, I am having a hard time envisioning all of my financial obligations being met. Because I can't see HOW, I doubt. (Lord, help me in my unbelief!) It's hard to be or feel generous in that state of mind.

So this week I work on seeing through God's eyes.....allowing myself to entertain the idea that He really will provide my needs....and more, as I step into generosity.

Faith

The definitions of faith are too numerous to list. Different people have different ideas about what *faith* really is.

In Hebrews, Paul defines faith as believing that God exists and that He cares enough to respond to those who seek Him. (Paraphrase of Hebrews 11:6, Message.)

The first part is easy, really. Most (if not all) people who go to church believe that God exists. It's the second part many are challenged with.

For me, the reason the second part is more challenging, is because I've been taught/led to believe that He responds only when I please Him. Now, taking into account that earlier in that same verse Paul says that it's impossible to please God without faith, it seems that I am in a pickle: He only responds when I please Him, and I can only please Him when I believe that He responds. So where does that leave me???? FRUSTRATED!!!

I think a big part of this for me is to realize that the verse says that "He cares enough to respond to those who seek Him." It doesn't say HOW He will respond...just that He will. So if I'm looking too hard for one thing, and He answers in another way...I'm stuck!

That seems to be part of the difference I've seen lately. I've allowed God out of the box of *this is how I want you to respond to this* and just let Him be God. And He has responded in both expected and unexpected ways.

So today I'm grateful that I can *see* God's responses to me...that He is helping me to be aware of these responses. My prayer today is that God will open my eyes to see even MORE of His responses to me!

Amazing....Absolutely Amazing...

Yesterday was....well...interesting. I was exhausted from being up too early...and it was an emotional day on top of it. So I was definitely ready for bed when Noelle decided at 8:30 that she couldn't sleep alone.

I was amazed that the *struggle* to remain in a state of gratitude wasn't the *fight* it used to be. I can definitely attribute that to God. I've realized that I can't even cast my cares without His help. So now I don't even try. I just say, "God...I really don't want to worry about this issue...but I can't even give it to You on my own...I need Your help to let it go." Maybe I've finally just hit the bottom of me (only took 41 years!)...or maybe I finally realized that's the only way ANYTHING works...I don't know. But whatever it is...I'll take it. I do have to admit that it was a little more challenging when I wasn't *intellectually engaged* by writing or teaching or planning.

The most amazing thing, though, was that David more than tripled his bonus amount yesterday! I texted him in the early afternoon to see how things were going and he gave me a very general answer. I knew he had 5 appointments scheduled, and that it would probably be a late night for him. I was shocked...and a little worried, I'll admit... when he came home at 6:15. He proceeded to tell me that he was able to save a policy he thought he would lose...which was awesome in itself...and then about a couple little policies he sold. So I asked how far he was from bonus and he smiled and said, "I blew it out of the water!" I'm sure I started glowing at that point...because I realized that it was the GRATITUDE that put him in a position to accomplish what he did yesterday! GRATITUDE allowed HIM to get out of the way so that GOD could work!

THESE are the things I need to meditate on...THESE are the things that match a positive emotion with a concept and allow my heart to be *rewritten* with the Truth of who God is!

Gratitude

Let's just say that the last few weeks have been less than stellar in the financial department. It certainly has been challenging. I've been praying quite a bit lately that my focus would shift from what the paycheck will be to God's provision, no matter what form that takes. This morning I got to test that request....and it's worked!

I read this blog this morning... http://aholyexperience.com/2008/11/choose-to-pour-oil.html ... and it was such confirmation it made me cry. I have struggled to be grateful...mostly because (as I said in my last post) I have had the tendency to look at what I DON'T have at the same time. But I have been working on that...with God's help...since I've tried on my own and that hasn't gone so well. But things are different.

I've heard that when you mix an emotion with a belief, THAT is when things start to happen. The blog I read this morning explained that a little more. So I've been working on that...thinking of all the things I'm grateful for until I FEEL grateful. It paid off this morning. I had an awesome opportunity to be angry and frustrated. And, quite honestly, that was my first reaction. But it was much more *shallow* than it's been in the past...that much I could tell. But as David and I talked about our situation, I suddenly began to FEEL grateful...to KNOW (in my toes) that everything REALLY DOES work out for me...that we ARE blessed!!! And at that point, I wasn't even trying...I was just trying to survive...lol

Duh....

Don't ya just hate it when you finally *get* something that you've known (intellectually) all along???

So...this morning I went to my bank account to see what this week's paycheck was. All I'm gonna say is that it's less than stellar. :) Anyway...I figured out what we could do with it and went on my merry way. I think shortly after that I wrote my *Finally* blog. Can you tell I was struggling?

I listened to a sermon by the pastor from Calvary Chapel in Chattanooga about tithing. That has been a HUGE issue to me for a while. It's just never seemed to *work* for us...no matter what we've tried. There were some things that I was questioning...mainly...if *tithing* is so important...then why didn't Jesus teach on it? I was quite surprised to hear this pastor basically say the same thing. However, he didn't stop there. He went on to say that Jesus DID teach about giving. And somewhere in the sermon he said that giving is an act of worship.

Well...there's another topic that's been wandering around in my mind as well. Specifically...what exactly IS worship? So I did a little research on the 'net and found a pamphlet about it. It clarified some things for me...and since I like to find the *bottom line* of things...it boiled down to this for me.

First, worship is because of who God is. (Yes...that's another duh...but not the main one...lol) I have some issues with this part, actually...mostly because I'm still trying to figure out God's character. For many years He was the big, bad ogre...and then for a while He was the benevolent old man. I imagine His character is actually a balance of those two extremes. The biggest things I wonder about when it comes to God is what is His role in my life...and what is my role in regards to my life and relationship to Him. Those questions aside, this part is a gimme.

Second, worship is thankfulness. Here's where the *duh* comes in. I have always been a *glass half empty* kind of gal. So rather than just be grateful, I've always taken the time to point out to God all the things I did NOT have....you know...just to make sure He was still aware that I need them. Even when I worked really hard at just being grateful, those *other* things were always in the back of my mind, just waiting to bound out of my mouth. (Ummm...remember the verse that what a man thinks in his heart, so is he? Ewwwww!!!)

Sometime over the past week or so, God started showing me that nasty part of myself. I must say, I didn't feel condemned...just frustrated and offended that He would DARE to talk to me about being grateful while so many things were going down the toilet. But those thoughts have flashed through my mind quite a bit over the last few days. So I mentioned that to David this morning...and he said that God had showed him the same thing. I'm getting the faint idea that this is something we should deal with...lol

I love to make fun of myself when I *get* things that I'm certain every other person in the world has ALREADY gotten. I feel like the biggest dork...but I can laugh at it. After all, God isn't beating me up over it, so why should I? I mean honestly, maybe if someone sees that I didn't *get it* either, they would be more willing to admit they didn't get it...ya know?

Anyway...I digress. The interesting thing was that this morning it was suddenly *easy* to forget about what I didn't have and focus on what I DO have. I don't care why...I'm just glad THAT wasn't a fight this morning! So David and I have decided to spend just a few minutes every morning talking about how we ARE blessed....and praying for his day. Now here's the kicker. He's had a rough few weeks...after being sick...and people just not wanting to spend money...blah, blah, blah. He had to be home early to take the boys to the fire station for a field trip, but he already made a sale this morning...and a good one at that! Hmmm....wonder if it has to do with going along with where God is taking us....

And to bring this to a close, I want to share how this has changed our children, too. I decided I would start asking them to name something they're grateful for every day...to try to teach them to LOOK FOR blessings...as I learn to do the same. The littler boys didn't hesitate at all. It was almost like my question unleashed something in them. The bigger boys kinda smiled...maybe a little uncomfortable with the thought of sharing something personal. But they really didn't hesitate either. Of course, I had to make sure that Chandler understood he could not say the same thing every day...and that if he said *guitar* today, that encompassed BOTH of his guitars...lol

Did I make up for the whining, complaining post from earlier???? ;)

Finally....

Since I lost the baby 2 weeks ago tomorrow I have been taking my temp to see when things would be back to normal. After an agonizing 13 days of high temps and 3 negative tests, my temp has FINALLY gone down. At least that part is over. Now to decide where to go from here.

I would LOVE to have another little girl close to Noelle. But since David was sick, our income has plummeted. Thankfully we have had enough to pay most of our bills, but there are a couple that remain outstanding. David has been working his butt off since he got better....but so many people have lost their jobs...or are about to...and selling anything is like getting blood out of a rock. So...here we sit...just having saved our house from foreclosure...wondering if we'll end up right back in the same boat.

Needless to say, all of this has me wondering about God...like...where in the world is He???? I'm so tired of fighting my own thoughts and getting nowhere...you know...trying not to think negatively or pessimistically. This is somewhat where I was a couple of weeks ago....asking God for tangible evidence. And then I got that positive test...and there it was. Now the positive test is gone...yet apparently God still expects me to believe He really does love me...as my life seems to continue to go down the toilet.

I think of that Greek woman (I think she was Greek) that asked Jesus for something and He told her that what He had was for the Jews and she said that even dogs got crumbs from the table and so He blessed her. Why can't I see myself any better than the dog getting the crumbs from the table? Quite honestly, I'm tired of trying. It's not something I can do on my own. And I'm totally lost on how to tap into the strength of Jesus. I feel like I've tried it all and it just doesn't work for me...yet I know that's not the truth either.

What is the connection I'm missing?

Anger vs. Pain

As much as I hate to admit that I'm learning anything in the midst of this...mess...I have to say that I've learned something important about myself....and I imagine it holds true to a lot of people. I would MUCH rather be angry than hurt.

If I'm angry I can blame someone...lash out at them...be mean to them...in an attempt to make myself feel better. It feels good to be *right* and to prove to someone else that they're *wrong*.

Hurting...well...it hurts...and who in their right mind wants to hurt???? Nothing seems to relieve it but time...and I'm not a patient person.