Duh....

Don't ya just hate it when you finally *get* something that you've known (intellectually) all along???

So...this morning I went to my bank account to see what this week's paycheck was. All I'm gonna say is that it's less than stellar. :) Anyway...I figured out what we could do with it and went on my merry way. I think shortly after that I wrote my *Finally* blog. Can you tell I was struggling?

I listened to a sermon by the pastor from Calvary Chapel in Chattanooga about tithing. That has been a HUGE issue to me for a while. It's just never seemed to *work* for us...no matter what we've tried. There were some things that I was questioning...mainly...if *tithing* is so important...then why didn't Jesus teach on it? I was quite surprised to hear this pastor basically say the same thing. However, he didn't stop there. He went on to say that Jesus DID teach about giving. And somewhere in the sermon he said that giving is an act of worship.

Well...there's another topic that's been wandering around in my mind as well. Specifically...what exactly IS worship? So I did a little research on the 'net and found a pamphlet about it. It clarified some things for me...and since I like to find the *bottom line* of things...it boiled down to this for me.

First, worship is because of who God is. (Yes...that's another duh...but not the main one...lol) I have some issues with this part, actually...mostly because I'm still trying to figure out God's character. For many years He was the big, bad ogre...and then for a while He was the benevolent old man. I imagine His character is actually a balance of those two extremes. The biggest things I wonder about when it comes to God is what is His role in my life...and what is my role in regards to my life and relationship to Him. Those questions aside, this part is a gimme.

Second, worship is thankfulness. Here's where the *duh* comes in. I have always been a *glass half empty* kind of gal. So rather than just be grateful, I've always taken the time to point out to God all the things I did NOT have....you know...just to make sure He was still aware that I need them. Even when I worked really hard at just being grateful, those *other* things were always in the back of my mind, just waiting to bound out of my mouth. (Ummm...remember the verse that what a man thinks in his heart, so is he? Ewwwww!!!)

Sometime over the past week or so, God started showing me that nasty part of myself. I must say, I didn't feel condemned...just frustrated and offended that He would DARE to talk to me about being grateful while so many things were going down the toilet. But those thoughts have flashed through my mind quite a bit over the last few days. So I mentioned that to David this morning...and he said that God had showed him the same thing. I'm getting the faint idea that this is something we should deal with...lol

I love to make fun of myself when I *get* things that I'm certain every other person in the world has ALREADY gotten. I feel like the biggest dork...but I can laugh at it. After all, God isn't beating me up over it, so why should I? I mean honestly, maybe if someone sees that I didn't *get it* either, they would be more willing to admit they didn't get it...ya know?

Anyway...I digress. The interesting thing was that this morning it was suddenly *easy* to forget about what I didn't have and focus on what I DO have. I don't care why...I'm just glad THAT wasn't a fight this morning! So David and I have decided to spend just a few minutes every morning talking about how we ARE blessed....and praying for his day. Now here's the kicker. He's had a rough few weeks...after being sick...and people just not wanting to spend money...blah, blah, blah. He had to be home early to take the boys to the fire station for a field trip, but he already made a sale this morning...and a good one at that! Hmmm....wonder if it has to do with going along with where God is taking us....

And to bring this to a close, I want to share how this has changed our children, too. I decided I would start asking them to name something they're grateful for every day...to try to teach them to LOOK FOR blessings...as I learn to do the same. The littler boys didn't hesitate at all. It was almost like my question unleashed something in them. The bigger boys kinda smiled...maybe a little uncomfortable with the thought of sharing something personal. But they really didn't hesitate either. Of course, I had to make sure that Chandler understood he could not say the same thing every day...and that if he said *guitar* today, that encompassed BOTH of his guitars...lol

Did I make up for the whining, complaining post from earlier???? ;)

Finally....

Since I lost the baby 2 weeks ago tomorrow I have been taking my temp to see when things would be back to normal. After an agonizing 13 days of high temps and 3 negative tests, my temp has FINALLY gone down. At least that part is over. Now to decide where to go from here.

I would LOVE to have another little girl close to Noelle. But since David was sick, our income has plummeted. Thankfully we have had enough to pay most of our bills, but there are a couple that remain outstanding. David has been working his butt off since he got better....but so many people have lost their jobs...or are about to...and selling anything is like getting blood out of a rock. So...here we sit...just having saved our house from foreclosure...wondering if we'll end up right back in the same boat.

Needless to say, all of this has me wondering about God...like...where in the world is He???? I'm so tired of fighting my own thoughts and getting nowhere...you know...trying not to think negatively or pessimistically. This is somewhat where I was a couple of weeks ago....asking God for tangible evidence. And then I got that positive test...and there it was. Now the positive test is gone...yet apparently God still expects me to believe He really does love me...as my life seems to continue to go down the toilet.

I think of that Greek woman (I think she was Greek) that asked Jesus for something and He told her that what He had was for the Jews and she said that even dogs got crumbs from the table and so He blessed her. Why can't I see myself any better than the dog getting the crumbs from the table? Quite honestly, I'm tired of trying. It's not something I can do on my own. And I'm totally lost on how to tap into the strength of Jesus. I feel like I've tried it all and it just doesn't work for me...yet I know that's not the truth either.

What is the connection I'm missing?

Anger vs. Pain

As much as I hate to admit that I'm learning anything in the midst of this...mess...I have to say that I've learned something important about myself....and I imagine it holds true to a lot of people. I would MUCH rather be angry than hurt.

If I'm angry I can blame someone...lash out at them...be mean to them...in an attempt to make myself feel better. It feels good to be *right* and to prove to someone else that they're *wrong*.

Hurting...well...it hurts...and who in their right mind wants to hurt???? Nothing seems to relieve it but time...and I'm not a patient person.

What a week

Wow...what a week.

Our mortgage company totally bungled our account...and, naturally, being the government entity that it is, no one had a clue what was going on. I think we've gotten it straightened out now...time will tell.

David was finally able to go back to work yesterday after a week long bout with vaccine-related issues. I'll just leave it as that...don't want to stir up too much controversy...not at this point in my week anyway.

And they say things happen in threes...and it seems we've gotten our third *hit*. A week ago I was running a little late with my cycle...and since I had a test that was expiring at the end of the month, I decided to take it. Shockingly it was positive! It was a digital test...so it's not like I could miss the word *pregnant* on it. It took us a couple days to start to adjust...but then I was overwhelmed with the fact that I had said that *if* I were to have another baby, I would want it to be between 18 - 22 months younger than Noelle. Specifically, this was the ideal cycle...making Noelle and Blessing #8 exactly 18 months apart. Of course, I wanted the baby to be a girl, too...so Noelle would have a playmate. Tuesday I started spotting...yesterday it got a little heavier...and this morning my temp is definitely on the way down and the bleeding is heavier still. Now I have a lot of questions...most I'm too embarrassed to type here...cuz most would think I'm out of my mind...lol

All I can say is...I'm glad this week is over...and if I could just sleep until Monday I would be utterly content!

I hate vaccines

I'm really beginning to think that vaccines are just a plot by the government(s) to kill us all! Look at what's in them, for Pete's sake!

A couple of years ago, Chris and I both came down with the mumps. Amazingly, both of us had been vaccinated against them. The funny thing was that Kyle and Joshua were both sleeping in my bed (David was driving OTR at the time)...neither of them had been vaccinated...and neither of them got it! Now David has issues caused by the mumps virus. He was vaccinated...so what the heck! Seems to me that maybe it's the VACCINATION...you know...the live virus lying dormant in our bodies just waiting for something to trigger it into action.

So...David's been out of work since last Wednesday...and we're doing everything we can to get him back on his feet. It's very frustrating...especially since he works on commission....ugh! Thankfully his boss is working with him. I know we'll get through this...health-wise as well as financially...just frustrating to be *here*....just when things seemed to be getting some momentum.

Yuck

I'm having one of those days where I just want to sit and cry. In all reality, my life isn't all that bad...but I seem to be honing in on all the little negative details that irk me. You know...things like chores not being done...kids sitting on their butts doing nothing...laundry coming out my ears...not to mention the things on a bigger scale like the election and the economy...

So here I sit feeling sorry for myself...and quite content to do so...at least for the moment. Hmmm....wonder if being out of my B Complex has anything to do with it...

Bailout Baloney!

Be prepared that I'm not completely coherent on this...just too stinkin' frustrated!

Who do these people think they're fooling? What makes them think that most Americans changed THEIR minds between the beginning and the end of the week? The price tag went up $150 billion to entice legislators to screw their constituents and they fell for it. How stupid can you be?

This country has become a joke. Constitution....what Constitution? I think Jay Leno said it best...we might as well send it to Iraq for them to use...we're obviously not using it!

The big banks want us totally dependent on credit...so they can yank it out from under us whenever they feel like it...and leave everyone else with nothing. Can you say *communist*???

So...I also hear that it will cost each American taxpayer $10,000 in the end. Of course, the Congress says it won't...but they also think we change our minds like we change our underwear!

I surely wish I could sound intelligent here...but I'm just too frustrated.

When David had his accident a little over a year ago, it really put us in a financial bind. It took us 6 months...and lots of fighting with the insurance company....to get a ridiculous $3000 that was supposed to cover the $25000 we lost in wages and items that went up in flames with the truck. Nobody bailed us out...and that wasn't even our fault! (We did have some wonderful friends who blessed us during that time...and we are VERY grateful for each one.)

So why bail out a bunch of greedy bankers who got their hands caught in the cookie jar? It's really ridiculous.

Someone sent a video in to a list I'm on...and it's very interesting. Here's the link if you're interested. It's almost 2 hours...but very informative.

http://freehovind.com/watch-_1656880303867390173