I'm reading a book I got at Noelle's baby celebration...Something More - Excavating your Authentic Self. There has been something that has touched me deeply in most of the sections I've read.
The first one is the concept of looking for the gift within my fear and benefiting from it. At first glance, I related this to the panic and anxiety issues. But now I think it goes much deeper than that.
The next is the realization that I'm grateful just to be alive and able to work through issues.
Today's gem is the invitation at the end of the section to think about something small but special about my life today and savor it.
That small something is a smile. I have sat and purposely remembered each of my children smiling at me today. I've been praying each day that I could be what they need me to be. I'm adding another prayer...that I would remember to look my husband and each of my children in the eye and smile at them every day.
What's so special about a smile? It's something I thought with Noelle as I waited (im)patiently for her first *real* smile...the one that was just for me. I thought I would know for sure at that moment that she loved me. I guess that may sound silly to some...but as I remember that moment, I remember I've felt like that with each of my children. That first smile was the time I knew that THEY knew that *I* was *Mommy*....and they were happy to see me. I want each member of my family to experience that every day.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Just Writing
Some people were born to write and know it. Not me. I guess that's why I have such a hard time remembering to blog. Actually, it's not so much that I forget to blog...as much as I don't know what to write. Some things seem too trivial to take the time to post...and others too personal.
That being said, I've felt for a while now that I would write a book some day. I like the *some day* part, because I can procrastinate without feeling guilty. But these days I can't help but feel that the *some day* is getting MUCH closer. I still don't know what specifically to write...so I figured my blog is a good place to start. Hopefully I'll keep up with it...and I'm sure I'll see some kind of pattern....or at least a clue to a pattern....around which to write a book.
Jenny will be a big part of my book. (Hi, Jenn!!!) So much of my spiritual journey has been spent with Jenny by my side....sometimes ahead of me, cheering me on...sometimes behind me while I cheer her on. Writing *Jenny* will be much easier than writing *a friend*. Sorry, Jenn... you won't be anonymous! ;)
The latest question we're chewing on....well...I guess it's not really a question...it's a conundrum. (Don't know if I spelled that right, but I figured I should practice using some impressive words for my book...lol) Anyway...here we both sit...in financial...frustration...wondering, aside from the obvious *physical* things...how did we get here spiritually?
My first thought is to go back to our situation in Huntsville. We moved there for Impact...to sit under Jim's teaching...and we learned SO MUCH!!! It made sense...well, most of it...and it brought us freedom...or so it was supposed to. But while we were there we were miserable on most fronts. Our financial situation was worse than it had been in a long time...we really didn't have any friends we *connected* with...our neighbors were awful (and so were our landlords). Yet at the same time, we were growing spiritually....although we didn't see how much we actually did grow until later.
I don't necessarily feel we're in that same place, although our finances seemed to have taken a nose-dive with the holidays. I guess the thing that makes the difference for me is that I see our situation as a result of David's accident more than anything else. (That's not to say that we haven't made mistakes and/or bad choices, though.) It's not that I feel like I need to *blame* something...as much as determine *where* things started going haywire.
For example...we have not made a late payment on anything since the accident. God has provided for us month after month, time after time, in many different ways. This month, though, I may have to wait until the paycheck on the 10th to make our mortgage payment. According to the mortgage company, it's not late until the 16th...so we're ok there. But in MY mind it's due on the 1st...period. (There's that left brain for ya!) What have I *done* differently...*believed* differently...*thought* differently? I don't know. Is it even something that *I* have done (or not done)...
Aside from my left-brained irritation...I STILL have peace. I still know that I'm NOT going *under* financially...that my bills WILL be paid...on time....I'm STILL determined there.
So what's the deal? What do I *do*...if anything?
My thought, at this point, is to stay where I am...do what I've been doing...which is trust God...believe what He has said about me and my situation. I think Jim calls it a *paradox*...when what you HAVE to do seems to be the exact opposite of what it seems you SHOULD do.
I really believe that if I stand strong in my belief and determination...as I have been doing...to the best of my ability...that everything will work out to my best interest. God WILL take care of the situation (He has already made provision). Somehow what's on the inside will work its way to the outside and all will be well once again. End of this crisis.
So...here I sit...going back again to my peace...to what I know is the truth.
Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and forever...He never changes. He has provided for my family consistently in the past, and He will continue to do so.
God's thoughts for me are of peace and not evil, to give me a future and a hope.
He has promised never to leave me or forsake me.
He has promised to hear me when I cry out to Him and to answer my prayers.
That being said, I've felt for a while now that I would write a book some day. I like the *some day* part, because I can procrastinate without feeling guilty. But these days I can't help but feel that the *some day* is getting MUCH closer. I still don't know what specifically to write...so I figured my blog is a good place to start. Hopefully I'll keep up with it...and I'm sure I'll see some kind of pattern....or at least a clue to a pattern....around which to write a book.
Jenny will be a big part of my book. (Hi, Jenn!!!) So much of my spiritual journey has been spent with Jenny by my side....sometimes ahead of me, cheering me on...sometimes behind me while I cheer her on. Writing *Jenny* will be much easier than writing *a friend*. Sorry, Jenn... you won't be anonymous! ;)
The latest question we're chewing on....well...I guess it's not really a question...it's a conundrum. (Don't know if I spelled that right, but I figured I should practice using some impressive words for my book...lol) Anyway...here we both sit...in financial...frustration...wondering, aside from the obvious *physical* things...how did we get here spiritually?
My first thought is to go back to our situation in Huntsville. We moved there for Impact...to sit under Jim's teaching...and we learned SO MUCH!!! It made sense...well, most of it...and it brought us freedom...or so it was supposed to. But while we were there we were miserable on most fronts. Our financial situation was worse than it had been in a long time...we really didn't have any friends we *connected* with...our neighbors were awful (and so were our landlords). Yet at the same time, we were growing spiritually....although we didn't see how much we actually did grow until later.
I don't necessarily feel we're in that same place, although our finances seemed to have taken a nose-dive with the holidays. I guess the thing that makes the difference for me is that I see our situation as a result of David's accident more than anything else. (That's not to say that we haven't made mistakes and/or bad choices, though.) It's not that I feel like I need to *blame* something...as much as determine *where* things started going haywire.
For example...we have not made a late payment on anything since the accident. God has provided for us month after month, time after time, in many different ways. This month, though, I may have to wait until the paycheck on the 10th to make our mortgage payment. According to the mortgage company, it's not late until the 16th...so we're ok there. But in MY mind it's due on the 1st...period. (There's that left brain for ya!) What have I *done* differently...*believed* differently...*thought* differently? I don't know. Is it even something that *I* have done (or not done)...
Aside from my left-brained irritation...I STILL have peace. I still know that I'm NOT going *under* financially...that my bills WILL be paid...on time....I'm STILL determined there.
So what's the deal? What do I *do*...if anything?
My thought, at this point, is to stay where I am...do what I've been doing...which is trust God...believe what He has said about me and my situation. I think Jim calls it a *paradox*...when what you HAVE to do seems to be the exact opposite of what it seems you SHOULD do.
I really believe that if I stand strong in my belief and determination...as I have been doing...to the best of my ability...that everything will work out to my best interest. God WILL take care of the situation (He has already made provision). Somehow what's on the inside will work its way to the outside and all will be well once again. End of this crisis.
So...here I sit...going back again to my peace...to what I know is the truth.
Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and forever...He never changes. He has provided for my family consistently in the past, and He will continue to do so.
God's thoughts for me are of peace and not evil, to give me a future and a hope.
He has promised never to leave me or forsake me.
He has promised to hear me when I cry out to Him and to answer my prayers.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Moving along...
The Goodbye Chaos study is moving along nicely...
Lesson 1 was about taking a daily *vacation*. There have been a couple of times where I haven't been able to take a vacation...and a couple of times when I've littered it with thinking about frustrations and/or responsibilities...but other than that it's been nice to have just those 15 minutes to myself!
Lesson 2 was a self evaluation. I enjoyed getting stuff that's been in my brain down on paper. The hardest part was dreaming...thinking about what I've wanted to do and my talents. David's always been the one to do the dreaming...and I haven't bothered...cuz if I can't have it now...why waste my time. I realize that's not the CORRECT way to think. And after Jim's teachings that what we have in our hearts comes to pass...I understand WHY. It's still a challenge to dream and picture things the way I WANT them to be...but I'm moving forward there.
Lesson 3 dealt with the kitchen...how I think and feel about it and why. It was very...revealing... in a good way. It kind of goes along with the current lesson, which I'll get to later. I've taken everything off of the counters and split the kitchen chores up between 4 of us...so it's looking much better these days.
Lesson 4 was about thinking ahead and planning the next day. That one was a breeze...cuz I LOVE to plan. It's the *getting it done* that I'm not as good at...lol But having a list to cross things off of sure helps!
Lesson 5 was about going to bed at a decent time and getting up early. These days that's mostly dictated by Noelle...so there wasn't really much to do on this point.
Lesson 6 was about my Quiet Time. This has always been a challenge for me...cuz even when I DO have it...it's not really been consistent. These days my Quiet Time consists of my readings from the chart from the GCHP group and a short prayer time. I've started a list of prayer requests...and my Secret Sister sent me a journal which I'll be using for my prayer journal. All I have to do is remember to write things down! LOL
Today's Lesson is about my *priority place*....that's the place that *I* would *judge* in someone else's house to determine what kind of a housekeeper they are. For me...it's the kitchen. The bathrooms are a close second...but really the kitchen is the one room in the house that, if it's clean, I feel *uncluttered*.
Lesson 1 was about taking a daily *vacation*. There have been a couple of times where I haven't been able to take a vacation...and a couple of times when I've littered it with thinking about frustrations and/or responsibilities...but other than that it's been nice to have just those 15 minutes to myself!
Lesson 2 was a self evaluation. I enjoyed getting stuff that's been in my brain down on paper. The hardest part was dreaming...thinking about what I've wanted to do and my talents. David's always been the one to do the dreaming...and I haven't bothered...cuz if I can't have it now...why waste my time. I realize that's not the CORRECT way to think. And after Jim's teachings that what we have in our hearts comes to pass...I understand WHY. It's still a challenge to dream and picture things the way I WANT them to be...but I'm moving forward there.
Lesson 3 dealt with the kitchen...how I think and feel about it and why. It was very...revealing... in a good way. It kind of goes along with the current lesson, which I'll get to later. I've taken everything off of the counters and split the kitchen chores up between 4 of us...so it's looking much better these days.
Lesson 4 was about thinking ahead and planning the next day. That one was a breeze...cuz I LOVE to plan. It's the *getting it done* that I'm not as good at...lol But having a list to cross things off of sure helps!
Lesson 5 was about going to bed at a decent time and getting up early. These days that's mostly dictated by Noelle...so there wasn't really much to do on this point.
Lesson 6 was about my Quiet Time. This has always been a challenge for me...cuz even when I DO have it...it's not really been consistent. These days my Quiet Time consists of my readings from the chart from the GCHP group and a short prayer time. I've started a list of prayer requests...and my Secret Sister sent me a journal which I'll be using for my prayer journal. All I have to do is remember to write things down! LOL
Today's Lesson is about my *priority place*....that's the place that *I* would *judge* in someone else's house to determine what kind of a housekeeper they are. For me...it's the kitchen. The bathrooms are a close second...but really the kitchen is the one room in the house that, if it's clean, I feel *uncluttered*.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Changes
A friend referred me to a website by Cynthia Hancox...who is writing a series of books for Moms called Goodbye Chaos, Hello Peace! In the introduction, Cynthia writes,
"...we may be willing and determined to change, but we are still weak human beings, and ultimately we fall far short of all that we were designed to be."
There's so much there! Where do I start????
I AM willing and VERY determined for things in and about my life to change. I see things changing. And I see the difference in ME that *I* am deciding NOT to go back to certain places. And yet, in those decisions, there is a great deal of pressure I feel to KEEP that determination strong. There is a fear of failing...of letting my guard down in a weak moment that will undermine all I have *worked* for. But at the same time, I know that "I" am not responsible for anything more than agreeing with God about my situation. So I'm thinking this "pressure" that I'm feeling is a result of a deeper change that needs to occur. I'm not sure what that looks like at this point. I know, though, that recognizing this need is a good, positive step forward.
At Word of Faith we repeated something after Pastor Time every service. The line I'm thinking of states that "I will never be the same". I always repeated, always meant it...and I suppose to some degree it was happening. But never to the degree that it's happening now. There IS something different inside of me. But it still seems somewhat forced...like there is something inside still resisting...or maybe just afraid to accept that it COULD happen for me!
"...we may be willing and determined to change, but we are still weak human beings, and ultimately we fall far short of all that we were designed to be."
There's so much there! Where do I start????
I AM willing and VERY determined for things in and about my life to change. I see things changing. And I see the difference in ME that *I* am deciding NOT to go back to certain places. And yet, in those decisions, there is a great deal of pressure I feel to KEEP that determination strong. There is a fear of failing...of letting my guard down in a weak moment that will undermine all I have *worked* for. But at the same time, I know that "I" am not responsible for anything more than agreeing with God about my situation. So I'm thinking this "pressure" that I'm feeling is a result of a deeper change that needs to occur. I'm not sure what that looks like at this point. I know, though, that recognizing this need is a good, positive step forward.
At Word of Faith we repeated something after Pastor Time every service. The line I'm thinking of states that "I will never be the same". I always repeated, always meant it...and I suppose to some degree it was happening. But never to the degree that it's happening now. There IS something different inside of me. But it still seems somewhat forced...like there is something inside still resisting...or maybe just afraid to accept that it COULD happen for me!
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