Finally....

Since I lost the baby 2 weeks ago tomorrow I have been taking my temp to see when things would be back to normal. After an agonizing 13 days of high temps and 3 negative tests, my temp has FINALLY gone down. At least that part is over. Now to decide where to go from here.

I would LOVE to have another little girl close to Noelle. But since David was sick, our income has plummeted. Thankfully we have had enough to pay most of our bills, but there are a couple that remain outstanding. David has been working his butt off since he got better....but so many people have lost their jobs...or are about to...and selling anything is like getting blood out of a rock. So...here we sit...just having saved our house from foreclosure...wondering if we'll end up right back in the same boat.

Needless to say, all of this has me wondering about God...like...where in the world is He???? I'm so tired of fighting my own thoughts and getting nowhere...you know...trying not to think negatively or pessimistically. This is somewhat where I was a couple of weeks ago....asking God for tangible evidence. And then I got that positive test...and there it was. Now the positive test is gone...yet apparently God still expects me to believe He really does love me...as my life seems to continue to go down the toilet.

I think of that Greek woman (I think she was Greek) that asked Jesus for something and He told her that what He had was for the Jews and she said that even dogs got crumbs from the table and so He blessed her. Why can't I see myself any better than the dog getting the crumbs from the table? Quite honestly, I'm tired of trying. It's not something I can do on my own. And I'm totally lost on how to tap into the strength of Jesus. I feel like I've tried it all and it just doesn't work for me...yet I know that's not the truth either.

What is the connection I'm missing?